Talking to teenage boys usually takes huge effort with little returns. The monosyllable "ok .. no .. yeah .. dunno" replies are a sure way of ending a conversation barely started.
Unsatisfied with so little response, the parent unleashes more questions hoping to open him up or that he would throw in more details. That can draw a look that screams " Urggh ... what a grump. Already said dunno. Why need to ask so many times !" Or the kind of look that says, "You're interfering !" And finally, an outburst uncalled for.
Often, I would think that being a parent (these days) to a teenager requires patience the size of the universe ! A generation ago, that kind of response would prompt a tight slap on the face for being utterly disrespectful to the elders, especially to your own parents !
Really, it is very difficult to lure a teenager into a decent conversation. Unless it is the topic of their interest. Like online games, some movie characters. I found out that it is easier to just keep quiet and observe these teenagers babbling among themselves...even if it makes little sense.
Their friends are their world. It is definitely a worthwhile effort to make friends with their friends. One great way is to offer transportation to these teenagers, and join them in their chatter while in the car. A great ice-breaker topic is on the opposite sex ! That sure would generate a lot of interest !
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Happy Mother's Day
I read the Sunday papers splashed with loads of Mother's Day writeup, especially highlighting some real-life examples of Mother-Son or Mother-Daughter loving relationships and photographed in warm loving poses.
I looked enviously at a picture of a mother with her teenage son's hands hanging around her neck in a casual embrace, faces lit up in joyous smiles. I think my teenage boys would be too shy to pose like that, but my youngest 7 year old son would openly hug in sheer bliss.
With the teenagers' swimming competition taking over the weekend and on their own, I chose to spend Mother's day uneventfully, on a lazy Sunday morning enjoying late breakfast and watching hubby trim the garden's bush and enjoying the sweet innocence of my youngest son. Yes, very rare to be able to have a quiet Sunday morning without schedules to meet. We discovered a small bird's nest hidden in the bush. We saw 2 birds flying in and out of the bush, probably the to-be-daddy&mummy. No eggs yet, but nevertheless, so excited with the finding.
As the day draws to an end, come almost midnite, my tweenager knocked on my door and presented a hand-made transparent pyramid with a heart-shaped card dangling inside. Tiny words were impossibly squeezed in: To Mom, I love U.
That was touching. We gave each other a hug and that was one of the moments I would like to recall more times ever.
So take heart, they don't say it very well, but they actually appreciate the mother.
I looked enviously at a picture of a mother with her teenage son's hands hanging around her neck in a casual embrace, faces lit up in joyous smiles. I think my teenage boys would be too shy to pose like that, but my youngest 7 year old son would openly hug in sheer bliss.
With the teenagers' swimming competition taking over the weekend and on their own, I chose to spend Mother's day uneventfully, on a lazy Sunday morning enjoying late breakfast and watching hubby trim the garden's bush and enjoying the sweet innocence of my youngest son. Yes, very rare to be able to have a quiet Sunday morning without schedules to meet. We discovered a small bird's nest hidden in the bush. We saw 2 birds flying in and out of the bush, probably the to-be-daddy&mummy. No eggs yet, but nevertheless, so excited with the finding.
As the day draws to an end, come almost midnite, my tweenager knocked on my door and presented a hand-made transparent pyramid with a heart-shaped card dangling inside. Tiny words were impossibly squeezed in: To Mom, I love U.
That was touching. We gave each other a hug and that was one of the moments I would like to recall more times ever.
So take heart, they don't say it very well, but they actually appreciate the mother.
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Lack of Appreciation
The lack of appreciation is probably one of the biggest "attitude" problems one gets from teenagers these days.
I felt this strongly eversince becoming a stay-home-mom. Everything the mom does for the family becomes a dutibound job. Example, like sending kids to school, swimming lessons, piano, friends' place, badminton game, shopping complex for hangouts, all become a mom's job and therefore expected to do so.
And when at times, it could not be fulfilled, for example, late for picking up, or could not meet the time arranged, the unhappy face would somewhat show.
On the other hand, when the kid needs to request the father to provide the transportation services once in a while, it is often followed by a word of appreciation of "Thank You !" Probably because this is outside dad's "job scope".
"Such unfair treatment !", I would scream out ! Where is the appreciation for the one who does it regularly? It is often at these situations that I wonder if being a stay-home-mom is really a wise choice at all. Emotionally, it is more taxing because you are dealing with your own flesh and blood, more frequent contact points and more opportune conflicts. But it is also at these times that one must quickly recall the moments of togetherness between mother and son, be it stuck in a jam or enjoying a radio song together in a journey; those moments glaringly missing had I still be serving a company.
Yeah, being appreciated is a bonus. Even if it is not so forthcoming, do not let the lack of it to hinder positive parenting.
I felt this strongly eversince becoming a stay-home-mom. Everything the mom does for the family becomes a dutibound job. Example, like sending kids to school, swimming lessons, piano, friends' place, badminton game, shopping complex for hangouts, all become a mom's job and therefore expected to do so.
And when at times, it could not be fulfilled, for example, late for picking up, or could not meet the time arranged, the unhappy face would somewhat show.
On the other hand, when the kid needs to request the father to provide the transportation services once in a while, it is often followed by a word of appreciation of "Thank You !" Probably because this is outside dad's "job scope".
"Such unfair treatment !", I would scream out ! Where is the appreciation for the one who does it regularly? It is often at these situations that I wonder if being a stay-home-mom is really a wise choice at all. Emotionally, it is more taxing because you are dealing with your own flesh and blood, more frequent contact points and more opportune conflicts. But it is also at these times that one must quickly recall the moments of togetherness between mother and son, be it stuck in a jam or enjoying a radio song together in a journey; those moments glaringly missing had I still be serving a company.
Yeah, being appreciated is a bonus. Even if it is not so forthcoming, do not let the lack of it to hinder positive parenting.
Monday, April 12, 2010
Positive Persistence
I read from a parenting book on one of the most important values to teach our kids is
the value of positive persistence .. that is never quit.
Quoting from the book,
"Quitters never win, Winners never quit."
Well, I sure see some of these values coming from my kids, when the need arises like,
when my teenage boy persisted in his argument that he didn't have enough time for homework where actually he could find time for his all-important TV program.
OK, that's persistent argument. And they want to win their argument.
Normally, I would just let them think that they are all-mighty right because whatever reasoning you try to drum in at that time would be futile. They are just not in the listening mode.
So, I exercise my positive persistence to talk some sense when they least expected it, when they have let their guard down. I sure like to believe the author of the book is right. Never quit, parents. Your kids are not going to be excited about your persistence but I am sure they will be thankful one day.
the value of positive persistence .. that is never quit.
Quoting from the book,
"Quitters never win, Winners never quit."
Well, I sure see some of these values coming from my kids, when the need arises like,
when my teenage boy persisted in his argument that he didn't have enough time for homework where actually he could find time for his all-important TV program.
OK, that's persistent argument. And they want to win their argument.
Normally, I would just let them think that they are all-mighty right because whatever reasoning you try to drum in at that time would be futile. They are just not in the listening mode.
So, I exercise my positive persistence to talk some sense when they least expected it, when they have let their guard down. I sure like to believe the author of the book is right. Never quit, parents. Your kids are not going to be excited about your persistence but I am sure they will be thankful one day.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Advice from a Has-Been Teenager
If it is of any consolation, take this advise from a Has-Been Teenager.
I was lamenting to this purposeful young adult, the eldest daughter of the Dream Family of the typical stress a parent goes through with parenting teenagers. I was eager to learn what I could do better to head towards moulding a Dream Family.
This young lady said something that was a huge consolation to all parents out there.
The age 12- 15 is the turbulent age. This is the age where the teenager is rude, inconsiderate and believes strongly that they are right, no matter what. But, as they cross that phase, the stability seeps in and things would turn brighter.
As I listened to her, I felt like she was speaking the words from my heart, words that I believe will eventually come true too, words to console myself when the clashes with the unreasonable teenager can be disheartening.
Well, since she has gone through this turbulent phase herself, I have every reason to want to believe her. So, parents out there, stay resilient and ride through the storm. Soon the sea will calm. And rainbows will colour your world !
I was lamenting to this purposeful young adult, the eldest daughter of the Dream Family of the typical stress a parent goes through with parenting teenagers. I was eager to learn what I could do better to head towards moulding a Dream Family.
This young lady said something that was a huge consolation to all parents out there.
The age 12- 15 is the turbulent age. This is the age where the teenager is rude, inconsiderate and believes strongly that they are right, no matter what. But, as they cross that phase, the stability seeps in and things would turn brighter.
As I listened to her, I felt like she was speaking the words from my heart, words that I believe will eventually come true too, words to console myself when the clashes with the unreasonable teenager can be disheartening.
Well, since she has gone through this turbulent phase herself, I have every reason to want to believe her. So, parents out there, stay resilient and ride through the storm. Soon the sea will calm. And rainbows will colour your world !
My Observation - The Dream Family
This got to be the dream family.
That was my take after a wonderful evening at their home party. Every dish was home-cooked, including assorted Indian cakes and home-made Durian ice cream ! Every assortment of food had a paper label placed by the side, just like in the hotel buffet servings, just that this is handwritten, delicately decorated with hand-drawn motifs and you can feel that it was the teamwork coming from a loving family.
This is quite a big family all living under 1 roof: Grandparents,parents and 4 children, teenagers approaching adulthood. Plus 1 maid, 2 dogs, Koi fish, goldfish.
What amazes me was the wonderful character the children displayed; playing great host, as if on behalf of their parents.
These children are outstanding children. The family hall cabinets were full with medals and trophies collected from sports meets. All of them play a certain Punjabi musical instrument. The eldest daughter was a JPA government scholar, graduated from Australia in Finance and now working in a bank. She dances and choreographs Punjabi dances as an interest. The eldest son was equally exceptional in studies, to pursue geology in US and gave us an incredible live performance of what Punjabi drums can do to uplift the music - impressive.
I couldn't help but beam with pride too, to see these young adults living their dreams. I couldn't help but wonder how their parents raise such wonderful kids - it is like asking Nicol David's parents what was their secret.
My own observation:
1) They are the typical configuration of a traditional family. Grandparents played their part as the respected elders supporting the working couple when they were young and building their family. The respect to elders was strong.
2) The Mother - earned the SuperMOM label from the eldest son (ooh .. when will I hear my sons say this !) stopped working and tended to family needs as the family grows.
3) They are strong in their religion.
4) They live with strong pride of their heritage.
5) They all enjoy doing things as a family.
Though I think a lot of credit probably goes to the Mother, she is humble and couldn't quite figure out what she did different from any other Mother. Her answer to parents was quite simply: "Spend time with the children." That sure sounds simple enough.
That was my take after a wonderful evening at their home party. Every dish was home-cooked, including assorted Indian cakes and home-made Durian ice cream ! Every assortment of food had a paper label placed by the side, just like in the hotel buffet servings, just that this is handwritten, delicately decorated with hand-drawn motifs and you can feel that it was the teamwork coming from a loving family.
This is quite a big family all living under 1 roof: Grandparents,parents and 4 children, teenagers approaching adulthood. Plus 1 maid, 2 dogs, Koi fish, goldfish.
What amazes me was the wonderful character the children displayed; playing great host, as if on behalf of their parents.
These children are outstanding children. The family hall cabinets were full with medals and trophies collected from sports meets. All of them play a certain Punjabi musical instrument. The eldest daughter was a JPA government scholar, graduated from Australia in Finance and now working in a bank. She dances and choreographs Punjabi dances as an interest. The eldest son was equally exceptional in studies, to pursue geology in US and gave us an incredible live performance of what Punjabi drums can do to uplift the music - impressive.
I couldn't help but beam with pride too, to see these young adults living their dreams. I couldn't help but wonder how their parents raise such wonderful kids - it is like asking Nicol David's parents what was their secret.
My own observation:
1) They are the typical configuration of a traditional family. Grandparents played their part as the respected elders supporting the working couple when they were young and building their family. The respect to elders was strong.
2) The Mother - earned the SuperMOM label from the eldest son (ooh .. when will I hear my sons say this !) stopped working and tended to family needs as the family grows.
3) They are strong in their religion.
4) They live with strong pride of their heritage.
5) They all enjoy doing things as a family.
Though I think a lot of credit probably goes to the Mother, she is humble and couldn't quite figure out what she did different from any other Mother. Her answer to parents was quite simply: "Spend time with the children." That sure sounds simple enough.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Parents to the Rescue
This is pretty common, to every parent who loves their children so much that they will do anything in their power not to allow any unpleasant experience to befall their children, right ?
Imagine this scenario:
Forgot to bring book to school - call parents to the rescue, else a caning on the hand is the consequence.
That's the Confucius discipline most Chinese primary schools live by, in order to instil the sense of problem ownership in the children from young, which is to face the consequence.
I had my share of answering to rescue phone calls. And quite irritated at why they aren't learning after each "mistake".
When they are in the desperate call, turning away and not helping seems cruel and give you the guilt feeling. The kid would also feel sad.
My teenage boy forgot to bring his necktie on Monday and we were already at his
school gate. He requested to turn back home as we still had time, or else the punishment is detention during P.E. class cleaning up a room or something.
I thought for a moment to let him face the consequence but an idea came.
I said, I would rescue him this once. And next time around, better plan not to miss this again, like keep the tie in the bag at all times, etc.
It was brilliant. I felt good I helped him and he felt good that his mommy was sensitive to his needs. But most importantly is that he learns about taking action to prevent this from happening. That's what we want them to learn, right ?
My other boy, upon hearing this exclaimed, "OK, I have one unused rescue call !"
Imagine this scenario:
Forgot to bring book to school - call parents to the rescue, else a caning on the hand is the consequence.
That's the Confucius discipline most Chinese primary schools live by, in order to instil the sense of problem ownership in the children from young, which is to face the consequence.
I had my share of answering to rescue phone calls. And quite irritated at why they aren't learning after each "mistake".
When they are in the desperate call, turning away and not helping seems cruel and give you the guilt feeling. The kid would also feel sad.
My teenage boy forgot to bring his necktie on Monday and we were already at his
school gate. He requested to turn back home as we still had time, or else the punishment is detention during P.E. class cleaning up a room or something.
I thought for a moment to let him face the consequence but an idea came.
I said, I would rescue him this once. And next time around, better plan not to miss this again, like keep the tie in the bag at all times, etc.
It was brilliant. I felt good I helped him and he felt good that his mommy was sensitive to his needs. But most importantly is that he learns about taking action to prevent this from happening. That's what we want them to learn, right ?
My other boy, upon hearing this exclaimed, "OK, I have one unused rescue call !"
Maleness of the Boy
Don't we as grown-ups often shake our heads when our boys simply couldn't handle the simplest of the simplest tasks, for example, personal hygiene ? That seems to be the last thing they care.
Well, when I am in disbelief, I shall remind myself that's natural of a boy.
The maleness of the boy:
1) Inclined more to exploration, investigation and discovering how things work - hence always trying new things and messing up
2) Pitting themselves against each other in physical challenges - hence physical play and the noise that comes along
3) Easily distracted - need goals and coaching in direction and how to be persistent
4) Love adrenalin-packed activities, hence the war movies, stunts,.. things mommy find hard to appreciate
And I believe the boys do not outgrow these characteristics .. just look at other grown-up males. So, take heart that its all in the maleness genes.
Well, when I am in disbelief, I shall remind myself that's natural of a boy.
The maleness of the boy:
1) Inclined more to exploration, investigation and discovering how things work - hence always trying new things and messing up
2) Pitting themselves against each other in physical challenges - hence physical play and the noise that comes along
3) Easily distracted - need goals and coaching in direction and how to be persistent
4) Love adrenalin-packed activities, hence the war movies, stunts,.. things mommy find hard to appreciate
And I believe the boys do not outgrow these characteristics .. just look at other grown-up males. So, take heart that its all in the maleness genes.
The Retaliation begins at Tween - Practise Patience !
It is the 3rd time one of my boys turn into his 12th year and as in past experience, I anticipate the true colours to show. The testosterone level hikes up, voice starts to break and you'll notice the guy doesn't listen to you much anymore.
Retaliation begins when you repeat your requests to turn off the TV for the 3rd time;
or when you ask perhaps a little too persistently whether he wants some vegetables during dinner time.
He would roar a strong answer to get his message across !
Overnight, he has turned from a sweet obeying kid to a tween bent on getting his voice heard.PERIOD.
I think, to the boys growing into tween/teens:
1) Having their voice heard is the way they prove to the family that they have grown even if it makes them sound disrespectful or uncool.
2) They dislike being told to do this/that.Their decision counts.
I am getting a lot of the above of late, so I have to remind myself to
1) Continue to stress to him that one does not have to raise one's voice and sound disrespectful. And to tell him that I will respect his answer and let's abide by the rules, firmly. Be prepared with more retaliation but tell him that you are not to be drawn into a battle of outburst. And wrap with a SMILE.
2) Plan the tasks with them to be completed with a deadline and avoid the telling part, but instead ask if they have got them done.
Most important, need to remind myself to take his first answer seriously. But you know, as mothers do, we try hard to squeeze in a bit of our wishes, and feel accomplished if the guy complies.
Should have been 3rd time wiser parenting a tweenager, yet still requires a lot of resilience, practice and self-reminder. As each boy is so different, every encounter is a new challenge.
PATIENCE is the keyword. The SMILE is to avoid anger building up.
I am in a battle of words right now with one of my boys as I write this !
As one of my friends encouraged, "Enjoy them!"
Retaliation begins when you repeat your requests to turn off the TV for the 3rd time;
or when you ask perhaps a little too persistently whether he wants some vegetables during dinner time.
He would roar a strong answer to get his message across !
Overnight, he has turned from a sweet obeying kid to a tween bent on getting his voice heard.PERIOD.
I think, to the boys growing into tween/teens:
1) Having their voice heard is the way they prove to the family that they have grown even if it makes them sound disrespectful or uncool.
2) They dislike being told to do this/that.Their decision counts.
I am getting a lot of the above of late, so I have to remind myself to
1) Continue to stress to him that one does not have to raise one's voice and sound disrespectful. And to tell him that I will respect his answer and let's abide by the rules, firmly. Be prepared with more retaliation but tell him that you are not to be drawn into a battle of outburst. And wrap with a SMILE.
2) Plan the tasks with them to be completed with a deadline and avoid the telling part, but instead ask if they have got them done.
Most important, need to remind myself to take his first answer seriously. But you know, as mothers do, we try hard to squeeze in a bit of our wishes, and feel accomplished if the guy complies.
Should have been 3rd time wiser parenting a tweenager, yet still requires a lot of resilience, practice and self-reminder. As each boy is so different, every encounter is a new challenge.
PATIENCE is the keyword. The SMILE is to avoid anger building up.
I am in a battle of words right now with one of my boys as I write this !
As one of my friends encouraged, "Enjoy them!"
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