The rude teenager

I wonder if there are any more angelic teenagers in this loud world. Or is it that holding a conversation with a teenage boy is no longer like the days of "The Waltons", deemed uncool by today's teenager's standards. And so, it is the mothers who need to change ? Seriously, I do not have an answer. Unwilling to lower my standards of raising well-mannered teenagers, I find myself unable to stay silent when my 14year old gave me a can't-care-less and belittling response when I asked him a question. The more I try to make him see how rude that was, the more he snapped back. It ended up with both of us battling out and me, angry to bits ! Conclusion, them boys just can't talk the way mothers want them to especially on topics that don't matter to them. Still, I think that gives no reason to sound rude and the constant need to snap back. The male ego of the growing teenage boys is especially strong at this adolescence stage. And they can be terribly judgmental too. I still maintain my beliefs that as a parent we must point out the unacceptable behavior and hopefully with persistence, it will dawn on them one day as their hormonal rage subdues. Whether that's wishful thinking or not, meanwhile let's try to stay sane.

Talking to Teenagers

Talking to teenage boys usually takes huge effort with little returns. The monosyllable "ok .. no .. yeah .. dunno" replies are a sure way of ending a conversation barely started.

Unsatisfied with so little response, the parent unleashes more questions hoping to open him up or that he would throw in more details. That can draw a look that screams " Urggh ... what a grump. Already said dunno. Why need to ask so many times !" Or the kind of look that says, "You're interfering !" And finally, an outburst uncalled for.

Often, I would think that being a parent (these days) to a teenager requires patience the size of the universe ! A generation ago, that kind of response would prompt a tight slap on the face for being utterly disrespectful to the elders, especially to your own parents !

Really, it is very difficult to lure a teenager into a decent conversation. Unless it is the topic of their interest. Like online games, some movie characters. I found out that it is easier to just keep quiet and observe these teenagers babbling among themselves...even if it makes little sense.

Their friends are their world. It is definitely a worthwhile effort to make friends with their friends. One great way is to offer transportation to these teenagers, and join them in their chatter while in the car. A great ice-breaker topic is on the opposite sex ! That sure would generate a lot of interest !

Happy Mother's Day

I read the Sunday papers splashed with loads of Mother's Day writeup, especially highlighting some real-life examples of Mother-Son or Mother-Daughter loving relationships and photographed in warm loving poses.

I looked enviously at a picture of a mother with her teenage son's hands hanging around her neck in a casual embrace, faces lit up in joyous smiles. I think my teenage boys would be too shy to pose like that, but my youngest 7 year old son would openly hug in sheer bliss.

With the teenagers' swimming competition taking over the weekend and on their own, I chose to spend Mother's day uneventfully, on a lazy Sunday morning enjoying late breakfast and watching hubby trim the garden's bush and enjoying the sweet innocence of my youngest son. Yes, very rare to be able to have a quiet Sunday morning without schedules to meet. We discovered a small bird's nest hidden in the bush. We saw 2 birds flying in and out of the bush, probably the to-be-daddy&mummy. No eggs yet, but nevertheless, so excited with the finding.

As the day draws to an end, come almost midnite, my tweenager knocked on my door and presented a hand-made transparent pyramid with a heart-shaped card dangling inside. Tiny words were impossibly squeezed in: To Mom, I love U.
That was touching. We gave each other a hug and that was one of the moments I would like to recall more times ever.

So take heart, they don't say it very well, but they actually appreciate the mother.

Lack of Appreciation

The lack of appreciation is probably one of the biggest "attitude" problems one gets from teenagers these days.

I felt this strongly eversince becoming a stay-home-mom. Everything the mom does for the family becomes a dutibound job. Example, like sending kids to school, swimming lessons, piano, friends' place, badminton game, shopping complex for hangouts, all become a mom's job and therefore expected to do so.

And when at times, it could not be fulfilled, for example, late for picking up, or could not meet the time arranged, the unhappy face would somewhat show.

On the other hand, when the kid needs to request the father to provide the transportation services once in a while, it is often followed by a word of appreciation of "Thank You !" Probably because this is outside dad's "job scope".

"Such unfair treatment !", I would scream out ! Where is the appreciation for the one who does it regularly? It is often at these situations that I wonder if being a stay-home-mom is really a wise choice at all. Emotionally, it is more taxing because you are dealing with your own flesh and blood, more frequent contact points and more opportune conflicts. But it is also at these times that one must quickly recall the moments of togetherness between mother and son, be it stuck in a jam or enjoying a radio song together in a journey; those moments glaringly missing had I still be serving a company.

Yeah, being appreciated is a bonus. Even if it is not so forthcoming, do not let the lack of it to hinder positive parenting.

Positive Persistence

I read from a parenting book on one of the most important values to teach our kids is
the value of positive persistence .. that is never quit.

Quoting from the book,
"Quitters never win, Winners never quit."

Well, I sure see some of these values coming from my kids, when the need arises like,
when my teenage boy persisted in his argument that he didn't have enough time for homework where actually he could find time for his all-important TV program.
OK, that's persistent argument. And they want to win their argument.

Normally, I would just let them think that they are all-mighty right because whatever reasoning you try to drum in at that time would be futile. They are just not in the listening mode.
So, I exercise my positive persistence to talk some sense when they least expected it, when they have let their guard down. I sure like to believe the author of the book is right. Never quit, parents. Your kids are not going to be excited about your persistence but I am sure they will be thankful one day.

Advice from a Has-Been Teenager

If it is of any consolation, take this advise from a Has-Been Teenager.

I was lamenting to this purposeful young adult, the eldest daughter of the Dream Family of the typical stress a parent goes through with parenting teenagers. I was eager to learn what I could do better to head towards moulding a Dream Family.

This young lady said something that was a huge consolation to all parents out there.

The age 12- 15 is the turbulent age. This is the age where the teenager is rude, inconsiderate and believes strongly that they are right, no matter what. But, as they cross that phase, the stability seeps in and things would turn brighter.

As I listened to her, I felt like she was speaking the words from my heart, words that I believe will eventually come true too, words to console myself when the clashes with the unreasonable teenager can be disheartening.

Well, since she has gone through this turbulent phase herself, I have every reason to want to believe her. So, parents out there, stay resilient and ride through the storm. Soon the sea will calm. And rainbows will colour your world !

My Observation - The Dream Family

This got to be the dream family.

That was my take after a wonderful evening at their home party. Every dish was home-cooked, including assorted Indian cakes and home-made Durian ice cream ! Every assortment of food had a paper label placed by the side, just like in the hotel buffet servings, just that this is handwritten, delicately decorated with hand-drawn motifs and you can feel that it was the teamwork coming from a loving family.

This is quite a big family all living under 1 roof: Grandparents,parents and 4 children, teenagers approaching adulthood. Plus 1 maid, 2 dogs, Koi fish, goldfish.

What amazes me was the wonderful character the children displayed; playing great host, as if on behalf of their parents.

These children are outstanding children. The family hall cabinets were full with medals and trophies collected from sports meets. All of them play a certain Punjabi musical instrument. The eldest daughter was a JPA government scholar, graduated from Australia in Finance and now working in a bank. She dances and choreographs Punjabi dances as an interest. The eldest son was equally exceptional in studies, to pursue geology in US and gave us an incredible live performance of what Punjabi drums can do to uplift the music - impressive.

I couldn't help but beam with pride too, to see these young adults living their dreams. I couldn't help but wonder how their parents raise such wonderful kids - it is like asking Nicol David's parents what was their secret.

My own observation:
1) They are the typical configuration of a traditional family. Grandparents played their part as the respected elders supporting the working couple when they were young and building their family. The respect to elders was strong.
2) The Mother - earned the SuperMOM label from the eldest son (ooh .. when will I hear my sons say this !) stopped working and tended to family needs as the family grows.
3) They are strong in their religion.
4) They live with strong pride of their heritage.
5) They all enjoy doing things as a family.

Though I think a lot of credit probably goes to the Mother, she is humble and couldn't quite figure out what she did different from any other Mother. Her answer to parents was quite simply: "Spend time with the children." That sure sounds simple enough.